Friday, April 11, 2008

Olympic tour reaches…

As a security measure to avoid a repeat of the shocking pro-human-rights and not-really-liking-the-brutal-oppression protests that disrupted the Olympic flame's visits to London, Paris and San Francisco, the authorities in Buenos Aires have altered their plans.

Instead of moving through the streets of the Argentinian capital, the flame will be diverted slightly and will now dash briefly through the streets of another city in another country in specially imported secure vehicles. Details are not being released, with government sources citing, "The usual 'It's terrorism, so do what you're told' stuff, you know the story, like".

Mad in China
The flame will be kept safely behind darkened glass to avoid hurting the eyes of spectators.

Is it dark or a celebration of Beijing smog?
The planned daytime procession will largely be replaced by what organizers are not calling a "midnight dash".

Burn, baby, burn
Some photographers were dismayed that the photocall with Denise Van Outen and Konnie Huq holding the flame was held inside the van. A Chinese embassy media spokesperson said that they could always Photoshop the van out afterwards.

Red is an auspicious colour
Many happy spectators greeted the flame as it hurried past in a decoy vehicle.

Meanwhile, Olympic organizers have dismissed suggestions that it was a crass misjudgment to include as demonstration sports public execution, tank dodging, democrat shooting, and public humiliation for the benefit of the people's cultural revolution. "These games will be a reflection of the diversity of Chinese culture," a spokesperson said, "Including the bloody awful bits."

Strike flat the thick rotundity o' the world!

On the topic of thick rotundities, more news on Bertie Ahern.

In a press release the gods have expressed their position on the recent controversies surrounding Bertie. A copy of the document is seen below.

His Bertiness recently expressed his dismay at the Mahon Tribunal's treatment of his former secretary Grainne Carruth. They were bullying her by asking her all dem hard questions, ya see.

We wonder did the self-serving fuck ever stop to ponder why they were asking her all those hard questions. We doubt it. He's too far up his own arse on his high moral horse to recognize that the reason they had to push her to get at the truth was because he wouldn't bloody give it to them.

Ultimately, he put her into that situation, but you'll never get him to admit it. For someone in a position of responsibility he's very good at passing the buck.

In fact, he usually gets someone else to pass his bucks for him - in cash, at the AIB on O'Connell Street.

Press Release:

Zeus not believing Bertie bullshit

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Ding Dong, the Wicked Witch is Dead

You cursed brat! Look what you've done.

But don't worry, there'll be another one along in a minute...

(And don't you just so wish he'd done it on April Fool's Day?)