Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Limerick: last out turn the alarm on

The government has announced the closure of Limerick City. Speaking at Government Buildings this evening, Minister Michael McDowhatyourtold announced that the city has been closed with immediate effect.

Asked whether the plan wasn't a little drastic, Taoiseach Bertie Ahem-hem remarked, "We're goin to see how it goes and den decide. We're not burning any bridges. Well apart from de Shannon one, dat is."

"The place was founded as a Viking fortification in the tenth century," the Minister for Justice explained, "So they've had about a thousand years to get it sorted and it's still a bit of a dump, frankly, so we've decided not to throw good money after bad. We'll be closing the place as soon as we can."

Some city streets have already been cordoned off, and traffic on the river is being curtailed.

Feuding scumbag families will be allowed to stay in the city but won't ever be let out.

"With any luck they'll just get the shooters out and annihilate each other," McDowhatyourtold said. "It'll save us the cost of having to send in the Emergency Response Unit."

The Minister for Finance Brian Moo-Cowen explained that UL (University of Limerick) and (Limerick Institute of Technology) would be moved to Laois.

"This location was chosen simply because it has the right initials and that will allow some of the stationery to be reused, thus saving literally tens of Euro," explained the Laois-Offaly TD.

Moo-Cowen also tells the Skanger that parts of Limerick may be moved to Dublin, which will allow Civil Servants to be decentralized to Limerick without actually having to leave Dublin. It is also hoped that some refugees from Limerick might teach a few people how to play rugby. "With any luck," McDowhatyourtold said, "They'll give up playing GAA and stop kicking the heads off each other."

Limerick's Museum will be accessible through a controlled demilitarized area to be constructed by a South Korean contractor.