Sunday, November 05, 2006

Dublin to be decentralized altogether

Breaking news: Bertie has been overheard chatting with some of his Fianna Failure mates about his plans to decentralize Dublin completely. Basking in the glory of an Ard Fheis that wasn't the complete embarrassment and personal humiliation it should have been, De Taoiseach supped a pint of Bass with his chums and was heard to remark of Dublin, "De place is just gettin a bit jammers, ya know?"

Further investigative journalism and a bit of leaning in to listen to what the old shyster was muttering on about revealed that the government has already sneakily moved some substantial parts of Dublin down to the bog. "Dis Civil Service shoite just wasn't workin," De Taoiseach said, while starting a fifth packet of Tayto cripses. "None of dem wants to move to bleedin Tullymore or Carrick-on-me-bollix, and I can't really blame dem. I'n a Dub meself and sure dere's nuttin in dem shoiteholes. So we're going to put sometin in dem."

The Skanger has since learnt that Trinity College Dublin has been completely moved and renamed Trinity College Portlaoise. One student remarked, "I'm, loike, toedilly screwd, yeah? I'm sipposed to be meeting up with some mates for points in the Globe, yeah? Usually takes me, loike, ten minutes to walk? From here, it'll take toedilly ages, yeah? I could get a Dort maybe, but I think they decentralized Portlaoise train station, yeah? So now it's actually in Mullingar or something? Loike, hello?"

Dublin's Connolly Station, too, has been shifted. The Dublin to Belfast train now leaves Belfast's Central Station but arrives in Clonakilty. Bertie reckons Connolly sounds a bit like Clonakilty, and that moving the station there might "Shurrup dat lot who keep goin on about de bleedin western corridor." Locals are said to be delighted with the boost to tourism, but travellers from Belfast are said to be surprised at how small Dublin is.

The plan is believed to have arisen from consultations with Ryanair over the proposed takeover of Aer Lingus. Bertie's position on Ryanair is said to have softened after the airline offered its expertise on decentralization. A possible part of the mooted compromise will see Dublin Airport's second terminal being built in Galway, close to NUIG. The new runways will be decentralized to Carrick-on-Shannon.

One happy note is that Leinster House may be relocated to Achill and then the rest of us will be able to ignore the stupid moneywasting ideas this lot keep spouting.