Friday, November 03, 2006

All hail the mighty car

Following the success of proposals to pave over the Liffey, the Minister for Transport has decided to extend his policy on cycle paths to footpaths.

Minister Martian Luccen said that he plans to increase the roadspace for cars and trucks in Dublin's city centre. To achieve this the Minister proposes what he calls an "open-plan" approach to city planning.

"We had the oul open plan done at home, you know," the Minister told reporters, "Knocked the kitching through into the lounge. The wife loves it."

The renovation of O'Connell Street will be completed with boulevard style motorway replacing the old-fashioned footpaths.

Asked how this might work in Dublin, the Minister explained, "We've had an open-plan approach to cycle paths for some time. That is, we work to 'best practice' but without strict stipulations or any of those pesky rule things. Apart from the one saying that you have to use them, however shite they are."

Some buses will be allowed, Luccen said, "for when the car needs a service".

"The beauty of it is that we can do whatever we want with cycle paths and then call it best practice. In fact, most of the time we don't even bother building them at all. So we'll be widening the roads in Dublin City centre by taking the paths out and making it all mixed use."

The Minister was asked whether the plan might not put people in danger, but replied, "No, no, most cars now have airbags so even hitting a pedestrian, you're quite safe."
Hauliers are said to be pleased that alternative routes will be available.

New signs will be erected around the city, but in common with many signs used on cycle paths they'll be of dubious legal status.