Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Decentralize to Skangerland

Amusingly, the counter on the official government website dedicated to the decentralization of 10,000 civil service jobs has had only about 2600 hits. That's fractionally more than I've had. I'm looking forward to overtaking them, so don't go looking for their website and giving them more hits. Just spend more time here instead: I'm funnier and I don't cost the taxpayers millions of yoyos.


iMap by The Skanger

(And check out the iPhone here.)

Merry xmas from Brian Moo-Cowen

A discussion on boards.ie tells the Skanger that the Revenue have decided to start hanging onto your xmas pressies until you cough up the VAT, that's if they've been posted from outside the EU.

Outside the EU includes the Channel Islands, so that'll be play.com, plus anything from further afield might get caught - cdwow, Amazon US, whatever. This seems to affect packages valued over €22. You get a letter charging you VAT plus a €5 handling charge, and xmas is cancelled until you pay it. Even if what's in it is not liable for VAT they'll still delay the feckin thing while they have a sniff at it.

I'm sure HMV, Virgin and the like will be delighted that a few more of us miserable cash-cows will get herded through their doors over the next few weeks.

So merry xmas from the government. Trust that shower of gobshites to come up with a plan that simultaneously arses up the post at xmas, costs us all a bit more money (which goes to...oh yeah, the Department of Finance, but not to worry, we'll probably get it back when they have to buy the next election), and keeps the rip-off merchants happy. Nice one.

Monday, November 27, 2006

You might as well have Ian Huntley as a babysitter

The Irish Times reports that those who executed Detective Garda Jerry McCabe while he was trying to do his duty have been granted leave to seek judicial reviews of the policy relating to their applications for temporary release (or, as the Irshi Teims has it, they "have been gratned leave to challenge the circumstances under which they recieve temporary release"). When did keeping highly dangerous prisoners in prison become controversial?

On the same day the paper reports that Shinner City Councillor Larry O'Toole has joined the Dublin City Joint Policing Committee. I'm sure the Gardaí will be delighted to hear that their activities will be scrutinized by a party eager to secure the release of the terrorists who shot Jerry McCabe. Apparently, O'Toole "has demanded gun crime be placed high on the agenda of the new policing partnership." Funny that.

Anyone for bangers and rockets there?

And just wait until you see the new cars...
We've all been reassured that the authorities have been very careful about who they let join the Garda Reserve. It's a pity they couldn't be as discriminating about who gets to sit on this Policing Committee. I wonder will the guards be taking up kneecapping or the administration of summary justice by way of spiked baseball bat. Or maybe they'll get a bit more warning the next time the 'RAShinners decide to have a riot* on O'Connell Street. Let's hope the scumbags don't get access to any sensitive security information that might be useful in, oh, I don't know, maybe bank robberies, counterfeiting, smuggling, protection rackets or drug dealing, just for example.

*For insurance purposes, not actually a riot, apparently.

The Shinner proposal for the new Garda uniform

You and your evidence and facts...

The Guardian reports today on the rise of creationism in British schools. This is not the only controversial idea being taught. Alongside teaching materials on "intelligent design" schools are also being provided with information on "counterintuitive geography" (CG). The CG approach "questions the validity of theories of roundness in relation to Earth descriptors," according to the Reverend Dr Sam Bewilberforced, head of science at the St John of Patmos High School for Girls.

Dick Plane, head of geography at a school in Liverpool, which he described as "a little North of Glasgow," said: "Just because CG takes a negative look at Sphericalism doesn't mean it is not science. I think to critique Sphericalism is quite appropriate."

"We are not attacking the teaching of Sphericalian theory," said a member of Religious Revelation in Science. "We are just saying that criticisms of Sphericalist theory should also be taught."

Mr Plane argued that "current theories in advanced physics posit curvatures of time-space, which have the effect of giving an impression of roundness where there may in fact be flatness, and suggest a multiplicity of dimensions, many of them quite small and curled up, again giving rise to erroneous perceptions of roundness".

Professor Richard Dawkins commented, "This is pseudo-scientific nonsense, a sort of organised idiocy, and amounts to a concerted attack on reason, science and evidence. It is an attempt by medieval institutions to overthrow the Enlightenment and haul us back into an era of squalid ignorance."

In response Dr Bewilberforced said, "Well, you can prove anything you like if you're going to start dragging evidence and facts into things."


Saturday, November 25, 2006

Norn Iron terrorists admit they're being outclassed

A representative of the Norn Iron Terrorists' Association today admitted that members had found Michael Stone's efforts to disrupt proceedings at Stormont "embarrassing" and "a bit crap".

"We've just not got the facilities to compete," the spokesperson said. "Other organizations have Russian billionaires who'll back them, or rich Middle Easterns and that there, but we just can't match their spending."

The killing of Alexander Litvinenko with polonium 210 just showed up the gulf in class between Norn Iron terrorists and their competitors.

West Belfast: not famed for its sushi barsBelfast fish comes cooked in loads of batter and with greasy chips

"Radioactive isotopes? How do we compete with that?" a 'Rashinner commented. "Even at our best, when we were working with mercury tilt switches and we thought we were the dog's bollox, we weren't a patch on what them there are. We can't afford to get the personnel."

Catapults: fine for pelting Landrovers but it's not quite 9/11, is it? For when your arm gets tired flinging petrol bombs

Mossad, the CIA, MI5 and MI6, the NSA, SVR and the like have access to state-of-the-art training facilities, and have extensive scouting networks (ones which might well be swinging by obscure blogs that mention Mossad, the CIA, MI5 and MI6, the NSA, SVR and the like, just for a look-see...).

At least the sad, attention-seeking murderer has a less stupid haircut these daysI'll huff and I'll puff: Stone was knackered before he even got in the door

"We're just out of practice, is all, so it is" the Norn Iron Terrorists' Association said. "The Stone boy's just not match fit, you know? In his prime he's not going to be turning up with a handgun and some bombs he made with Meccano and a few left-over fireworks from the November Fifth Burn-a-Catholic-in-Effigy Cross-Cultural Festival."

"We're still good at arguing, mind," the 'Rashinner insisted. "We whinged so much about the Police that they weren't even allowed to be there until after the gunman turned up with his bombs and we'd all run away."

Monday, November 20, 2006

For jaysus's sake

A British Airways employee has lost his battle to dress as Jesus at Stansted Airport. BA had put Christopher Nutter on unpaid leave since his decision to recreate the passion at the BA check-in desks.

"Some passengers found the wailing a bit off-putting," a BA spokesperson was reported as saying, "And the cleaners got a bit sick of wiping blood off the floor every time he did some scourging at the pillar, over by Tie Rack."

Mr Nutter is often accompanied by his friend Simon.

Mr Nutter said, "I'm a bit disappointed but I'm hoping we can appeal. The crucifixion is important to me and the truth will shine forth.

"It is important for me to carry the cross, wear the crown of thorns, and be scourged until I bleed so that people can see that Jesus loves them."

Roman queues were always in straight lines
A colleague of Mr Nutter helps keep queues in order.

Passenger opinion was divided. "I asked him for a luggage label and it took him ages," one remarked. "He couldn't move much, what with the big cross and the fainting spells, and then the label was all covered in blood."

Another passenger who complained about delays said, "He just told me that waiting in the terminal for two hours was nothing compared to an eternity burning in the sulphurous fires of Hell. I still missed my connection."

"I don't mind at all," another passenger remarked, "But I just wish they'd wait until December before putting the decorations out. It gets earlier every year."

"We do have a uniform policy," the BA spokesperson added.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Are you out of your head yet?

According the The Irish Times "The family of a man who fell ill and died just hours after allegedly drinking 18 brandies within 90 minutes in a drinking competition have settled their court action against a publican for €100,000."

How much do you reckon I'll get for all those hangovers?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

It's not cricket

After the resounding success of the International Rules Series, and with the Ashes looming, the GAA and the Aussies have been at work on a new made-up game. This one will see hurling and cricket being mashed together.

"They both involve sticks," Nickey Brennan, President of the GAA, was quoted as saying.

It is hoped that the games' on-pitch fights will have a bit more TV-friendly blood about them, what with ash and willow being available as weapons.

"I think the boys are looking forward to a game where they don't have to show respect for the officials," an Australian cricket commentator said this morning. "Normally, they'd get fined for questioning anything, but the GAA rules will allow them to smack a few micks around the field no worries."

D. J. Carey's challenge on Ricky Ponting saw the Australian Captain's attempted hook for four caught at silly mid-on, but the Aussies were awarded a forty-five after the umpire called a no-ball.

A warm-up match ended with the Irish on two goals, two wides and six points with 180 all out after the Aussies racked up one goal, three wides and fourteen points, and then declared on 220.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Twink says zip it

As part of a public health promotion drive this xmas, these notices will be appearing in a Gents toilet near you over the next few weeks.

Zip up your mickey

Twink is famed for many things, mainly for dressing up in funny clothes and heavy make-up, before rattling off some nonsense and managing to make an eejit of herself in front of millions.

She also does panto.

Does anyone remember that Fine Gael Ard Fheis? Can anyone forget it?

As she wheels her wheelbarrow...
Twink helps wheel out some old rubbish.

On a related note, a search on the Irish Google images turns up this result, with its strangely apt title.
Try it yourself at http://images.google.ie/

NEW: If you want to hear the message that started it all off, click here.


Unverified rumours suggest that Abrakebabra is to merge with The Dublin School of Hard Knocks. A spokeperson for Abra was reported as saying "We're spending a fortune on bouncers and security, but we still have a reputation for fights so we're thinking we might just go with it, you know?"

Do you want ketchup on that?The old post-pub kebab-and-a-scrap tradition will give way to more organized bouts with referees in attendance. Proper headgear and gloves will be provided.

Like Rocky, only warmer
Training facilities will be available.

No low blows, no holding, no skippin the queue, break when I tell yez

Referees in training did not wish to be indentified.

It is understood that Kian from Westlife, who once got smacked near an Abra branch in Sligo, will be involved in the promotion of the new scheme. Here's hoping we all get a chance to clock him one.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Limerick: last out turn the alarm on

The government has announced the closure of Limerick City. Speaking at Government Buildings this evening, Minister Michael McDowhatyourtold announced that the city has been closed with immediate effect.

Asked whether the plan wasn't a little drastic, Taoiseach Bertie Ahem-hem remarked, "We're goin to see how it goes and den decide. We're not burning any bridges. Well apart from de Shannon one, dat is."

"The place was founded as a Viking fortification in the tenth century," the Minister for Justice explained, "So they've had about a thousand years to get it sorted and it's still a bit of a dump, frankly, so we've decided not to throw good money after bad. We'll be closing the place as soon as we can."

Some city streets have already been cordoned off, and traffic on the river is being curtailed.

Feuding scumbag families will be allowed to stay in the city but won't ever be let out.

"With any luck they'll just get the shooters out and annihilate each other," McDowhatyourtold said. "It'll save us the cost of having to send in the Emergency Response Unit."

The Minister for Finance Brian Moo-Cowen explained that UL (University of Limerick) and (Limerick Institute of Technology) would be moved to Laois.

"This location was chosen simply because it has the right initials and that will allow some of the stationery to be reused, thus saving literally tens of Euro," explained the Laois-Offaly TD.

Moo-Cowen also tells the Skanger that parts of Limerick may be moved to Dublin, which will allow Civil Servants to be decentralized to Limerick without actually having to leave Dublin. It is also hoped that some refugees from Limerick might teach a few people how to play rugby. "With any luck," McDowhatyourtold said, "They'll give up playing GAA and stop kicking the heads off each other."

Limerick's Museum will be accessible through a controlled demilitarized area to be constructed by a South Korean contractor.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Dublin to be decentralized altogether

Breaking news: Bertie has been overheard chatting with some of his Fianna Failure mates about his plans to decentralize Dublin completely. Basking in the glory of an Ard Fheis that wasn't the complete embarrassment and personal humiliation it should have been, De Taoiseach supped a pint of Bass with his chums and was heard to remark of Dublin, "De place is just gettin a bit jammers, ya know?"

Further investigative journalism and a bit of leaning in to listen to what the old shyster was muttering on about revealed that the government has already sneakily moved some substantial parts of Dublin down to the bog. "Dis Civil Service shoite just wasn't workin," De Taoiseach said, while starting a fifth packet of Tayto cripses. "None of dem wants to move to bleedin Tullymore or Carrick-on-me-bollix, and I can't really blame dem. I'n a Dub meself and sure dere's nuttin in dem shoiteholes. So we're going to put sometin in dem."

The Skanger has since learnt that Trinity College Dublin has been completely moved and renamed Trinity College Portlaoise. One student remarked, "I'm, loike, toedilly screwd, yeah? I'm sipposed to be meeting up with some mates for points in the Globe, yeah? Usually takes me, loike, ten minutes to walk? From here, it'll take toedilly ages, yeah? I could get a Dort maybe, but I think they decentralized Portlaoise train station, yeah? So now it's actually in Mullingar or something? Loike, hello?"

Dublin's Connolly Station, too, has been shifted. The Dublin to Belfast train now leaves Belfast's Central Station but arrives in Clonakilty. Bertie reckons Connolly sounds a bit like Clonakilty, and that moving the station there might "Shurrup dat lot who keep goin on about de bleedin western corridor." Locals are said to be delighted with the boost to tourism, but travellers from Belfast are said to be surprised at how small Dublin is.

The plan is believed to have arisen from consultations with Ryanair over the proposed takeover of Aer Lingus. Bertie's position on Ryanair is said to have softened after the airline offered its expertise on decentralization. A possible part of the mooted compromise will see Dublin Airport's second terminal being built in Galway, close to NUIG. The new runways will be decentralized to Carrick-on-Shannon.

One happy note is that Leinster House may be relocated to Achill and then the rest of us will be able to ignore the stupid moneywasting ideas this lot keep spouting.

Friday, November 03, 2006

All hail the mighty car

Following the success of proposals to pave over the Liffey, the Minister for Transport has decided to extend his policy on cycle paths to footpaths.

Minister Martian Luccen said that he plans to increase the roadspace for cars and trucks in Dublin's city centre. To achieve this the Minister proposes what he calls an "open-plan" approach to city planning.

"We had the oul open plan done at home, you know," the Minister told reporters, "Knocked the kitching through into the lounge. The wife loves it."

The renovation of O'Connell Street will be completed with boulevard style motorway replacing the old-fashioned footpaths.

Asked how this might work in Dublin, the Minister explained, "We've had an open-plan approach to cycle paths for some time. That is, we work to 'best practice' but without strict stipulations or any of those pesky rule things. Apart from the one saying that you have to use them, however shite they are."

Some buses will be allowed, Luccen said, "for when the car needs a service".

"The beauty of it is that we can do whatever we want with cycle paths and then call it best practice. In fact, most of the time we don't even bother building them at all. So we'll be widening the roads in Dublin City centre by taking the paths out and making it all mixed use."

The Minister was asked whether the plan might not put people in danger, but replied, "No, no, most cars now have airbags so even hitting a pedestrian, you're quite safe."
Hauliers are said to be pleased that alternative routes will be available.

New signs will be erected around the city, but in common with many signs used on cycle paths they'll be of dubious legal status.

Suffer little chisellers

Bertie wants a referendum for de kids. According to RTÉ News, he "said he wanted to see constitutional protection from maltreatment, neglect or abuse for children".

It does sound like a nice idea. Maybe someday all de kids will be able to avoid maltreatment, neglect and abuse like overcrowded classrooms, schools with holes in the roof, housing estates where they can't go out cos they'll get in the way of the cars hurrying off to the shops, and gobshites who waste public time and money on feckin leaky swimming pools or on selling off an airline and then complaining cos someone wants to buy it.

Here, you...

Them Mulhall ones who popped a severed head into a schoolbag and took it on the bus through Tallaght must have been brickin themselves.

Can you imagine the shock they'd have got if someone on the bus had shouted, "Here, you with the head"?