Sunday, October 22, 2006

The irrational lottery

Roll up, roll up, roll over, land in a ditch and wrapped around a tree.

We've had lots of winners already this year - over 300, in fact - and we're hoping to break the 400 barrier before the end of the year.

Will you be lucky number 400? You don't have to be over 18 to play, and no purchase is necessary. That's right, you don't even need to own the car. Check your numbers here.

Ah, the Skanger loves to lie in bed at night and listen to the sound of squealing tyres drifting over the rooftops from the boys out doing donuts and handbrake turns in the Olympic Village.

If you're not a winner this time then maybe next time you too will be able to wreck a perfectly nice car: maybe a Beemer, maybe even a Ferrari. Check out your winning car here.

We can dream.

Do you need to be shocked into not driving like an idiot? Do you think it won't happen to you? Nicole Catsouras probably thought the same thing before she crashed her Porsche into a tollbooth. You can read about it here, and see the GRUESOME AND HORRIFIC AND NSFW AND DEFINITELY NOT FOR UNDER-18s OR ANYONE OF A DELICATE DISPOSITION (you have been warned) pictures of the aftermath here. [Seems they've taken those pictures down: read about the aftermath of all this here.]

Nicole Catsouras
Nicole Catsouras: pretty, wasn't she? My sympathies to her family and friends. I can only hope that seeing the pictures might just save someone's life.

(By the way, yous are a pack of sick puppies. Since the links to the Nicole Catsouras pictures went up I've had 2500 hits from people searching for her name. I'm guessing not all of them were hoping for a salutary reminder of what can happen when someone makes a mistake in a fast-moving car. If I had a dollar for every wierdo who swings by here...but then that's why the ads are there lol)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Malawi for xmas?

The Skanger would like to remind you that xmas is approaching and if you want to beat the crowds then now is the time to start thinking about what you're going to buy and where you'll get the best prices. Often, the best prices are available online and by mail order.

There are some wonderful bargains to be had from Africa, and you can feel good that you're supporting the local economy. You might encounter objections and threats of legal action from an alliance of 67 human rights groups, but that won't matter as long as you're sure that your intentions are good. It might help to make a donation to some local charities as a gesture of goodwill, maybe US$3,000,000 or something like that. Your money will help the locals to look after their needy children in their own culture so that they can grow up in their own country and make an ongoing contribution to the life of their own society. Apart from the kid you export to Europe, of course, and hey, if you don't make a purchase you can still go on an expensive holiday for a few days and look at some poor people.

New travel arrangements

The Minister for Foreign Affairs, Dermot Ahern T.D., today took delivery of the first Dublin Skanger ePassports, containing biometric data.

The new ePassports are presently undergoing independent testing in the Skangerlands. Under the Sythside visa waiver programme, participating Nortsoide Skangers must move to fully biometric passports before 26 October 2006. This has serious implications for Dublin. The new passports do not include fingerprints but many Skangers have lodged those at their local Garda station anyway.

It is hoped that the new system will be fully operational in time for the Christmas shopping rush to Grafton Street, where many Nortsoiders do cleaning work and other menial jobs. The City Council proposal to reclassify Henry Street as part of the Sythside, now that it has some nice shops, will give some peace of mind to any Jemimas and Barnabys who feel the need to visit.

Passport control offices on the Liffey’s bridges will be equipped with scanning devices and will be monitoring traffic crossing from Nort to Syth, just in case the Sythside would become overcrowded with dissident Nortsoiders.

The government had hoped to introduce similar passports for Sythsiders heading to the Nortsoide, but many Sythsiders are reluctant to travel, fearing kidnap, and instead use binoculars to look across the demilitarized zone at the Nortsoide.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Criticizing the government on this one is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel: it's not as much fun as you'd hoped and you end up with water leaking through a load of holes (which makes it also a bit like the National Aquatic Centre).

Minister for Transport Martian Luccen has insisted that no-one could have predicted that Ryanair would attempt to buy out Aer Lingus. Yeah. No-one could have predicted we'd spend €16,000,000 on an integrated, public transport ticket system that doesn't exist, but Martian got landed with that one, too.

Home on the plane: The Minister had some expert advice.

You worry about what else this shower might sell out from under us. It's a pity they wouldn't sell themselves to the highest bidder.

Oh yeah, they already have.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Veiled threats

The ongoing controversy over Jack Straw's remarks about the wearing of veils reminded the Skanger of the travails of the 'RAShinners and their own use of veils.

Covering the face has long been an important part of the 'RAShinners' beliefs and practices. Many have used veils, paradoxically, to show their true faces. Historically, this has led to some difficulties and disagreements for the 'RAShinners, many of whom do not now wear the veil in public.

Some other members have reportedly adopted a more European style of veil, known as the Zorro.
Skangerland: Merry-Looper was a Fianna Failure for a long time, but the career prospects were better with the 'RAShinners
Many of us, the Skanger included, who had Tooeasy Ferret's legs inflicted on us on De Late Late wish they'd put full-length burqas on and give us all a rest.

Gerry Adams always fancied one of them veils.
Skangerland: Gerry Adams liked the look of those balaclavas

Skangerland: Jack Straw and veils
In early negotiations with the 'RAShinners, Jack Straw himself was frequently unable to identify the people he was supposed to be talking to. This led to some resentment amongst the 'RAShinners.

Martian Ferret was often uneasy with the insistence of Adumbs and I'llHaveAGuinness on wearing veils. On that point the Ferret might actually have agreed with Straw. Adumbs and I'llHaveAGuinness thought they looked cool, and Adumbs often amused the company with his Darth Vader impressions: "See you, wee Luke, Ah Ahm yoor fathr, so ah ahm".
Skangerland: the 'RAShinners go on a day trip to see where the mortars landed

The confusion over who the hell Straw was supposed to be talking to often led to feverish diplomatic consultations.
Skangerland: Straw and Chirac

Unsubstantiated rumours suggest that Ferret himself has on occasion worn something to keep his beard warm. I'llHaveAGuinness is reported to don a burqa now and then, though mainly just when giving historical lectures on his knowledge of playing nocturnal baseball in cold weather.
Skangerland: Anyone for the bangers and rockets there?
Skangerland: Major League potential? His hitting could bring opponents to their knees

Adumbs has shifted his position on veils, believing that it is often better for the 'RAShinners to have good looking women around to flank him for photo opportunities. Unfortunately, they're not always available so they have to make do with whatever mingers show up.
Skangerland:  Adams is now available in colour

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The pot calls the kettle unethical

Amidst all the argument in the Dáil today let us not forget the brave contribution of volunteer Kevin O'Cullen, 'RAShinner TD, who drew on his vast experience of high moral ground and told the Taoiseach Bertie Ahem-hem that his acceptance of monies in 1993 and 1994 was unethical. In 1993, when Bertie was getting cash from his friends, the 'RAShinners were blowing up fish shops on the Shankill Road.

O'Cullen's speech was muffled so it was hard to make out whether he again requested a release for those who executed Jerry McCabe

Whatever else one might think of Ahem-hem's conduct, it is proper that he has returned the monies that he received. No politician should gain from any untoward activities. We have a Criminal Assets Bureau to confiscate ill-gotten assets. It's a pity that we don't have an equivalent body that can confiscate ill-gotten political capital.

Of course, if we had such an agency they might start by confiscating the political capital gained by the 'RAShinners through their close links with terrorists and criminal gangs. They are like bank robbers who have handed over the gun and been allowed to keep the money. It's not as if they've even so much as apologized for an error of judgement.

If there is corruption in Irish political life, if there are unethically acquired riches, if there are politicians who are morally compromised by those to whom they are beholden then the most corrupt, most guilty, most unethical and immoral of them all are surely the 'RAShinners.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Apple Mac sitcom exclusive

Rumours have emerged of a proposal to launch a sitcom based around one of Apple's in-store Genius Bars, and that a pilot has been given the go-ahead by CBS. According to MacRumors, "The show will be written by Josh Sternin and Jeff Ventimilia who were executive producers of Fox's 'That 70's Show'."

The Skanger can report that filming of the pilot has begun, and your favourite Skanger has managed to acquire a still from the set.