Thursday, July 13, 2006

Garda hats for everyone in the audience

O'Connell Street on an average Saturday: Friday night in Dublin is fun for all the family - it's a riot.
Minister for Justice, Michael McDowhatyourtold, has expanded upon his hugely popular and successful plans for a Garda reserve force. The Minister has proposed that Garda Reserve powers and equipment be made available for purchase by "responsible citizens". Commenting on criticism of his department for ineffective management of the criminal justice system, McDowhatyourtold said. "Right, if you're all so feckin smart then you do it yeerselves and we'll see how you get on."

As Acting Über-Commissioner of An Garda, the Minister himself announced that he would be making Garda equipment and powers more widely available. 'RAShinner TD, Herr Kapitan Martin Ferret, welcomed the move: "It'll be great to be able to get the proper uniforms easily. I'm sure they'll be of great use when we're out protecting banks and stuff."

McDowhatyourtold modelled the new Reserve Uniforms on a recent stroll through Dublin. Local youths admired his dapper new style, and said that they looked forward to working with the Reserve force. Anto, 19 and from the Olympic Village, remarked, "Eh, dat's bleedin rapid dat is. Have yezers dat mace stuff, fookin pepper spray, wha?"

Local youth appreciates the Minister's style
A Department of Justice spokesperson commented, "Vending machines will be placed around the country from which anyone will be able to purchase Reserve Garda equipment - uniforms, batons, handcuffs and so on. This is about community policing, by the community." It will be possible, according to the Revenue Commissioners, to claim the cost of purchases against income tax.

Responding to accusations that the government was giving a licence to vigilantism, Taoiseach Bertie Ahem-hem commented, "Sure won't dey have a bleedin uniform. If ya have a bleedin uniform you're hardly a feckin vigilante, are you?"

One of the new Garda Reserve vending machines

Garda Reserve vending machines will be available in pub toilets
The Minister's plan will ultimately see compact vending machines installed in the toilets of most pubs, as well as in railway stations, shopping centres, schools and colleges, hospitals, and other areas where the public gather. McDowhatyourtold explained, "I want to get them into pub toilets as a matter of urgency. That's where most of the trouble starts with public order offences: in pubs. Not so much the toilets as the pub generally."

"I want people to be able to get a Garda Reserve uniform when they need one, so that trouble can be nipped in the bud. People will feel a lot safer heading home after a night on the town getting paralytic when they know they can do it in a Garda Reserve uniform. This way, we really can have a guard on every street corner. Amn't I great?"
A group of partygoers heading out in their Garda Reserve uniforms, ready for a night on the tiles. "You'll be safer as a Reserve Garda," McDowhatyourtold remarked.


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