Saturday, July 15, 2006

Does anyone use this or can I throw it out?

Minister for Transport Martian Luccen (Fianna Failure) has proposed a redevelopment of the River Liffey in Dublin. "This is an underused resource," the Minister explained, "And what with the cost of real estate being only ludicrous in Dublin at the moment I thought it could be put to better use."

The Minister sees the Liffey as a solution to Dublin's traffic congestion
"The fact of the matter is this, the traffic's woeful and it's up to me to do something about it. And I ask you this, does anyone ever actually use the Liffey?" Minister Luccen said in his address to reporters. "Maybe a few headcases in canoes or some feckin students racing each other in rowing boats and pretending they're in Oxford or somewhere, but there's no normal people using it. They're the ones stuck in the back of the Merc, watching the river sitting there empty while their driver's trying to make his way down a busy bus lane. It's not on."Toll booths will probably turn up at some stage

Minister Luccen: "The boardwalk was a success, this is just the next step"
A small number of exclusive executive homes may be included in the plans. The department intends to use the revenue raised from their sale to offset the costs of constructing the motorway. "People living there will have no commute at all. It's best to keep the very rich off the roads as much as possible, they tend to drive awful big cars," Minister Luccen commented.
An alternative plan would see a Luas line laid over the Liffey. "It's making money, the Luas, you know," the Minister was at pains to point out. "So it's not costing the taxpayer a cent more than the €700,000,000 it cost to build."
"Interconnect that, hah?" commented Martian Luccen
"It'll be just like the M50," the Minister explained, "An unmitigated success." Responding to criticism from the Green Party that the plan was tantamount to civic and environmental vandalism, the Minister told reporters, "Well, now, I suppose they'll be wanting cycle lanes or solar-powered knit-yer-own-tofu café bars or something. Lookit, I've announced it but sure we announce all sorts of things in the Department of Transport. It doesn't mean we'll ever do anything about it. We just need to look busy, you know?"

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