Thursday, July 27, 2006

Dublin Port Tunnel Canal

In an expansion on his proposal to build a roadway over the Liffey, Minister for Transport Martian Luccen has announced a plan to use the beleaguered Dublin Port Tunnel as a canal link.

Today's Irish Independent reports: "Persistent leaks have put the opening of the €800m Dublin Port Tunnel on indefinite hold. The project is now more than two years overdue and it has missed at least four separate completion deadlines."

The Skanger managed to join the Minister over a game of Scalextric for a chat on the matter. "What with the water coming in anyways, I figured, if you can't beat it, join it. So I'm going to employ consultants to draw up proposals for the consideration of a feasibility study to look into announcing a public consultation on the idea of using the Dublin Port Tunnel as a canal," the Minister explained.

"We'd call it the Dublin Port Canal," an official stated. According to the Irish Independent, "A joint inspection report on the tunnel completed at the end of May revealed several areas were leaking, and in more than one spot. One area had three leaks in the space of one square metre, while other sites had leaks in sections 20 metres wide."
Minister Luccen's plan will see narrowboats and barges using the Port Canal
Dublin already has two canals, the Royal and the Grand, both of which, the Minister stated, "Are very popular amenities." The Minister went on to explain that Dublin hasn't had a new canal since the early 1800s.

"We're well overdue a new canal." the Minister made clear. "And the Port Tunnel or Canal was designed and built with this functionality in mind. That's why it has overhead inward drainage capabilities."

The tunnel will cost €752,000,000, while the final cost of the proposed canal is not known.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dick "The Cock" Roche: Racing Against Waste

Speaking on RTÉ's Morning Ireland, Minister Dick "The Cock" Roche has said that Ireland will not purchase electricity from nuclear sources (hear it here, at about 3'30" in). In response, Padraig McManus said that it was impossible to tell how energy coming through the interconnector from Britain had been generated.

Unlike Mr McManus, who is the Electricity Supply Board's Chief Executive, Minister Cock Roche actually knows something about electronics. He's the Minister for Electronic Voting, after all. That major project cost about €54,000,000 to set up and current estimates are that it costs €700,000 a year - that's about €1917 every single day - to store the machines.

Energy imports: The Minister is an expert at moving other people's resources around the place


The significance of the scheme is clear when you consider that you can buy a hospital for about €50,000,000 (the price paid recently for Mount Carmel, in Churchtown, Dublin), and that €700,000 would pay for another ten of the minister's new Lexus 450H GS ministerial cars. When a minister is entrusted with such a huge amount of money to spend on a system that might or might not work, and probably wasn't really needed in the first place, it can only be a sign that he is awful big and important.

"The Cock" Roche is also head of the department in charge of Race Against Waste.




The Minister is reportedly concerned that MI5 or maybe MI6 might attempt to infect Ireland's electronic voting system with nuclear waste. "It's like a computer virus only electrical," a source close to the minister said. "The interconnector could be used to send nuclear waste out of Britain and into Ireland. They could contaminate our whole democracy with radioactive waste." Responding to an objection from the Irish Institute of Physics that this was "absolute garbage", The Skanger's source stated, "The Minister has employed management consultants who think otherwise."
They don't like it up 'em: Consultants have alerted the Department to numerous dangers, each of which will require further consultation


The consultants fear that the East-West Interconnector between Arklow in County Wicklow, and Caernarfon, North Wales, could be used for surreptitious dumping of waste. "The British Nuclear Group made what they called a paperwork error," our source recounted, "And couldn't account for 26.9 kilograms of plutonium. Who's to say it's not in Ireland somewhere?" Minister Martian Luccen, a nearly fan of electronic voting, was unavailable for comment on account of being stuck in traffic.
Is this the future of voting in Ireland?


A confidential government report, seen by The Skanger, suggests that the effects of the nuclear waste could be reduced if voters were issued with protective equipment to insulate them from the radiation. The report reads:

"Moderator blocks can offer some protection against neutron radiation. The blocks reduce neutron velocity, creating thermal neutrons. Moderators can be made of beryllium, but a safer and more cost effective solution is graphite. Our proposal is to issue each voter with a graphite-core voting tool coated in a natural and biodegradable heat-protective layer sufficient to resist the thermal neutrons for the duration of voting."



These voting tool (pictured) would be used to press the buttons on the minister's voting machines.

The voting tool has a graphite core.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Does anyone use this or can I throw it out?

Minister for Transport Martian Luccen (Fianna Failure) has proposed a redevelopment of the River Liffey in Dublin. "This is an underused resource," the Minister explained, "And what with the cost of real estate being only ludicrous in Dublin at the moment I thought it could be put to better use."

The Minister sees the Liffey as a solution to Dublin's traffic congestion
"The fact of the matter is this, the traffic's woeful and it's up to me to do something about it. And I ask you this, does anyone ever actually use the Liffey?" Minister Luccen said in his address to reporters. "Maybe a few headcases in canoes or some feckin students racing each other in rowing boats and pretending they're in Oxford or somewhere, but there's no normal people using it. They're the ones stuck in the back of the Merc, watching the river sitting there empty while their driver's trying to make his way down a busy bus lane. It's not on."Toll booths will probably turn up at some stage

Minister Luccen: "The boardwalk was a success, this is just the next step"
A small number of exclusive executive homes may be included in the plans. The department intends to use the revenue raised from their sale to offset the costs of constructing the motorway. "People living there will have no commute at all. It's best to keep the very rich off the roads as much as possible, they tend to drive awful big cars," Minister Luccen commented.
An alternative plan would see a Luas line laid over the Liffey. "It's making money, the Luas, you know," the Minister was at pains to point out. "So it's not costing the taxpayer a cent more than the €700,000,000 it cost to build."
"Interconnect that, hah?" commented Martian Luccen
"It'll be just like the M50," the Minister explained, "An unmitigated success." Responding to criticism from the Green Party that the plan was tantamount to civic and environmental vandalism, the Minister told reporters, "Well, now, I suppose they'll be wanting cycle lanes or solar-powered knit-yer-own-tofu café bars or something. Lookit, I've announced it but sure we announce all sorts of things in the Department of Transport. It doesn't mean we'll ever do anything about it. We just need to look busy, you know?"

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Garda hats for everyone in the audience


O'Connell Street on an average Saturday: Friday night in Dublin is fun for all the family - it's a riot.
Minister for Justice, Michael McDowhatyourtold, has expanded upon his hugely popular and successful plans for a Garda reserve force. The Minister has proposed that Garda Reserve powers and equipment be made available for purchase by "responsible citizens". Commenting on criticism of his department for ineffective management of the criminal justice system, McDowhatyourtold said. "Right, if you're all so feckin smart then you do it yeerselves and we'll see how you get on."

As Acting Über-Commissioner of An Garda, the Minister himself announced that he would be making Garda equipment and powers more widely available. 'RAShinner TD, Herr Kapitan Martin Ferret, welcomed the move: "It'll be great to be able to get the proper uniforms easily. I'm sure they'll be of great use when we're out protecting banks and stuff."


McDowhatyourtold modelled the new Reserve Uniforms on a recent stroll through Dublin. Local youths admired his dapper new style, and said that they looked forward to working with the Reserve force. Anto, 19 and from the Olympic Village, remarked, "Eh, dat's bleedin rapid dat is. Have yezers dat mace stuff, fookin pepper spray, wha?"


Local youth appreciates the Minister's style
A Department of Justice spokesperson commented, "Vending machines will be placed around the country from which anyone will be able to purchase Reserve Garda equipment - uniforms, batons, handcuffs and so on. This is about community policing, by the community." It will be possible, according to the Revenue Commissioners, to claim the cost of purchases against income tax.

Responding to accusations that the government was giving a licence to vigilantism, Taoiseach Bertie Ahem-hem commented, "Sure won't dey have a bleedin uniform. If ya have a bleedin uniform you're hardly a feckin vigilante, are you?"


One of the new Garda Reserve vending machines


Garda Reserve vending machines will be available in pub toilets
The Minister's plan will ultimately see compact vending machines installed in the toilets of most pubs, as well as in railway stations, shopping centres, schools and colleges, hospitals, and other areas where the public gather. McDowhatyourtold explained, "I want to get them into pub toilets as a matter of urgency. That's where most of the trouble starts with public order offences: in pubs. Not so much the toilets as the pub generally."

"I want people to be able to get a Garda Reserve uniform when they need one, so that trouble can be nipped in the bud. People will feel a lot safer heading home after a night on the town getting paralytic when they know they can do it in a Garda Reserve uniform. This way, we really can have a guard on every street corner. Amn't I great?"
A group of partygoers heading out in their Garda Reserve uniforms, ready for a night on the tiles. "You'll be safer as a Reserve Garda," McDowhatyourtold remarked.








Statistics


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Attention, Attention: it's yezer's own feckin fault

(After all, you elected the gobshites.)


Following Mary Hoor-knee's ever-so-helpful advice to Irish drivers to "be more careful", the Pee-Wee-Dees have issued a reminder (above) to all car owners, so you can stick it on the inside of your windscreen - probably alongside the picture of Padre Pio.

Ever wishing to be useful, the Skanger has issued a warning notice of his own (below).

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

But what if they turn out to be good footballers?















The Skanger is pleased to note that constitutionally amended versions of his fave t-shirt are now, finally, available. Apparently, it took an age to get them made because the nine-year-old Turkish boy who was supposed to be working fifteen hours a day to get them done kept wanting to move to western Europe for some reason, the selfish little fecker.

Monday, July 10, 2006

School league relegation woes

Moves are underway to publish league tables of schools' exam performances. The report comes as we await the verdict in an exam-fixing scandal that could see some of the country's most successful schools relegated to lower divisions.

A tribunal in Dublin Castle is investigating charges that the schools, their management, exam officals and examiners tried to influence the outcome of exams by interfering with the appointment of officials.

Counsel for the tribunal has called for one school to be relegated to the third division, and for three other schools to be demoted to the second division: all four schools would be docked points at Leaving Cert level. The tribunal could also hand down fines, bans from scholarship competitions, and the schools could even be stripped of debating contest titles.

"It's a disaster," one teacher from an affected school said. "We might be banned from the rugby. There's even talk that we might have to play Gaelic football. The parents won't be happy. That is not what they're paying for."
















Balls: Students and parents are said to be upset by what they see as government interference in how they spend their money. "If I'd wanted my boys to be playing with round balls I'd have sent them to the Christian Brothers," said one mother.


The four schools have denied the allegations.

If the schools are found guilty then, it is feared, their star students may exercise escape clauses in their contracts to secure big-money moves to other schools. A star Chemistry student at one of the exclusive south-Dublin schools involved commented, "It's todally stupid, like. I mean, hello?"

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Defence Bill: Bertie wants to play soldiers

Willie O'Diddle-Dea-Dea was sick of the paparazzi
following him.

RTÉ reports that a Bill, "amending the Defence Acts, is to be passed in less than two and a half hours late tonight". Nice to know that it'll get the proper scrutiny and not be hurried through before the summer recess.

According to today's Irish Times, even Martin Ferret of IRA-SF reckons that the legislation implies "a gross infringement of the principle of Irish neutrality", and Ferris knows a thing or three about moving guns around. Sources suggested that the 'RAshinners are worried that the real Óglaigh na h-Eireann might get too good for their own pretend version. "We're neutral," one source also insisted, "Except for hating them Brits, of course, but sure that's what makes us Irish, so it is."

A Fianna Failure backbench TD was reported as having expressed delight with the proposed legislation. "We won't have to wait for UN approval or even, in some cases, need a debate about it in the Dáil. That's the way to do things. None of this feckin democratic shite. We'd have got the fellas who shot Jerry McCabe released if it wasn't for that shite."

In fairness to Oor Willie O'Diddle-Dea-Dea, he did take aim and ask Herr Kapitan Ferret, "Did the triple lock operate for the murder of Jerry McCabe? Was there a UN resolution for that?"


Monday, July 03, 2006

Ni feidir leo pissup a organizadeireacht i brewerí

RTÉ reports on the government's funding for Irish language students:

"Extra funding announced by the Government will mean more students will get to take part in Irish courses in the Gaeltacht this summer.



"Students will be housed in new glasshouses
so there'll be no post-ceilidh hanky panky",
says Hanafin


An additional €250,000 means that over €6 million is being allocated in direct support for the Gaeltacht areas.

The Minister for Education, Mary Hanafin, says the funding will bring down the cost of courses and enable 27,000 young people between the ages of eight and 18 to take part."

This is a fine way to be spending taxpayers' money, and the government are to be congratulated accordingly. The Skanger has issued a glossary of phrases that young people might like to study up on:

D'fhan mé san ospidéal ar feadh cúig uair an chloig gan stad
- I waited in the hospital for five solid hours

Tá an trailí san dorchla
- The trolley is in the corridor

Bíonn tríocha páistí i mo rang
- There are 30 children in my class

Ní ceannóidh mé mo teach féin choiche
- I will never buy my own house

Tá an linn snámha ag déanamh uisce
- The swimming pool is leaking

Bhí an traein iomlán; thit an bean i laige
- The train was full: the woman fainted

Tá an tollán ró-bheag
- The tunnel is too small

Tá lárionad an rialtais i mpuball i nGaillimh
- The centre of government is in Leinster House

Tá siad go léir ina mbréagadóirí agus a gcaimiléirí
- They are all just politicians

(Apologies for any errors, but, like most Irish people, the Skanger only studied it in school for the usual thirteen years so can't be expected actually to understand the bloody thing.)

Turn the telly on, your dinner's been delivered


I just put a load of feeds out for you so would yez ever eat them?

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